So a few days ago my mommom died.
We sort of knew it was coming for a while, she was really sick.

I went to visit her for the first time in the hospital, and she died while I was there. I didn't even get to say goodbye or anything, she was asleep the whole time :/

My dad and uncle and a few others think that she waited for me, that she knew I was there.
I might think so too.


I saw some super old pictures of her today.
She was really pretty when she was young.

I'm not going to school tomorrow, and it's the first day.
I have to go to the funeral. I want to go, I'm not complaining.


I'm really, really sad about this.

So the first rehearsal that we had on Tuesday was a disaster. Hardly anyone showed up, we barely made it to playing any music, and it was just bad. Fortunately, the rehearsal on Thursday was MUCH better, we moved along quickly even though the same people showed up. I actually got to conduct.

Mr.Georg's ways of doing things are way different, but I'm going to keep an open mind. I'm disappointed about not having a high mark time this year, I've always prided myself in having the highest. I'm going to give it a chance though. "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

Band camp is right around the corner and I am so not ready yet. I'm almost there though. It's going to be a new experience, something different. Change is usually good. even if I don't like it.

Some awesome news: I got a viola from the school! yes! It's going to be really hard to play this thing. My bowing hand really hurts. :

Okay so in Casey's apartment place thingy:

there is one x-box.
and six x-box controllers (at least).


...whut.

EDIT:
So there are EIGHT controllers.
There is actually another x-box too that was hiding from me.
So it makes sense now.

So I'm drum major again.
And hopefully I'll be the president of the band this year.

I didn't even try out for drum major.
The only two other people who wanted to go for it were turned down for assorted reasons.

It's gonna be a tough year.
But it'll be worth it.

So I have a show tonight.
And tomorrow night and Sunday.
Seussical!

It's gonna be fun.


I wish that I had put it out there for my friends sooner so my long distance people could possibly come.
A little late for that now though.



Stress.
I have a composition due Monday!
And English homework!
Blaaaaaaaaaah!

Squash his head and put it in a pot.

Lookin' through last year's sketchbooks.
And old sketchbooks = old music.

Oh we got a I at solo & ensemble fest!
That's the best you can get.

That means we get to go on to States :D

Something about the Diva music video reminds me of silent hill.
I don't really know what it is.

jaklsdjflksafdjsl I have
a duet performance tomorrow

and we were awful today

I'm so nervous

aslkfdjaslkdjfk;lsajfdlkasjfklsajfklsaf

I really truly do.

It has scratched two Oblivion disks.
And that game isn't covered under the disk replacement plan D:

I'm really really really really realllyy sdjfalksjfdlka angry.

Apparently this is a common problem, according the interwebz.
and there's nothing I can do about it~



except switch to ps3.
or pc.


I'll do it, too. >(

So my lovely boyfriend.
Is a nerd like me.


It's amazing.
I'm a little scared.

And I think I'm gay.
Uhm.
But that's okay!



I'm a very happy person right now.
Confused,
Stressed,
But extremely happy.

Does anyone remember the furry documentary that came out several years ago?
Where that woman went to investigate them, and decided oh this will be fun and then realized what she had gotten herself into?

What was that called again?

So I feel great!
I have a headache, but I'm happy.

:D!
I miiiiiss Faaaaame.

Gotta start thinking of Seussical though- we're doing that at Kenwood. And then I'm doing Fiddler on the Roof too for Sky around the same time.

I'm changing and I don't like it but it's okay.
Because I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy.

:>

ahhh.

So Fame is over.
I've been saying THANK GOD FOR NO MORE FAME, because as a performer, the show was awful and a pain, but I'm so gonna miss the people.

I'm starting to build some really nice friendships.
Can't wait for Fiddler on the Roof!

FAME!
I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!
I'M GONNA LEARN HOW TO FLY!



Come see it :D
At Sky's the Limit theatre!
Friday 7pm
Saturday 7pm
Sunday 3pm

I'll be in the pit playing flute and percussion. :D
Hit me up if you wanna come!

mmmm neat. it's pretty accurate :>

I'm still feeling awesome!

Stressed like crazy, got some headaches, but feel nice nonetheless.
So much I have to do, but it's aaaaaaaaall gooooood.

Relaxin' today.

So Casey's home.
It's awesome.
Everything feels awesome.
Except when it gets late I get emo, I dunno why but yeah.
When I'm tired I'm miserable 'cause I start thinking and stuff.

But I feel like I actually have confidence.
I mostly like myself, I'm happy.

Maybe it'll last this time.
This time, it feels right.

Hopefully the happies remain after Casey goes back to Yale.
I think they will,
Because now,
Everything is different.

So he's "not allowed to talk to me anymore".
His mom says so.

Always hiding behind his parents.
Did the same thing to Hannah.


I guess that's it, then...
...It's over?

Maybe I'll just let it go.
I still have music.
I will always have music.


I don't care.
I do, but, I don't.

I hit someone today.

It doesn't matter why, but I did it.
And it wasn't right.
And it was horrible.

Slapped him clean across his face.
His glasses flew off.
He got absolutely enraged.

He went into the bathroom.
Punched a wall.
Broke his hand.
Third time he's broken it.

I feel terrible.
I got in trouble too.
Mr.Satterfield let me off though-
I should've been suspended for two days.
Fortunately, I only have to serve one in school suspension, which doesn't actually hurt you.
I don't even have to serve it in the ISS room, which is like a prison.
I'm serving in guidance.
So I guess that's my silver lining.


But I feel so awful... I hit someone...
I intentionally inflicted pain on another person...
A person that I care dearly about...
It wasn't even a decent reason to do so...

I feel so stupid.
I feel... inhuman.
Even though making such a mistake is as human as it gets.


-

I don't know.
I'm sorry, ---.
I'm sorry I didn't get to apologize.
I'm sorry you couldn't be at my 'hearing' in the office because you were in the hospital.

I know it was your decision to punch something.
But I still feel responsible.

I don't have a good reason.
I hope that you'll forgive me.

I love you...

-